Are you in a relationship or having a few one-night stands, and you’ve discovered that you haven’t really had an orgasm? Or maybe you’ve been married for a while but you still haven’t found any sexual pleasure, even if you engage in sex regularly. This can be particularly frustrating, especially for Indian women, in a society that’s often conservative and doesn’t consider women as sexual beings. It can be embarrassing for women who wish to experience an orgasm but aren’t getting sexual satisfaction to even admit this, or discuss this with their partners, or other adults or friends in their lives. If you’re a woman stuck in this situation, you might be wondering, why is this happening, and how can I fix it?
Why this is happening
Many women are not brought up to view sex as a normal part of the relationship, but it is in fact quite normal. Also, women are taught (or it is assumed) that in a patriarchal society the most important thing for them is to please their man, and not to bother about their own pleasure. So there are a few reasons why you might find yourself not reaching any orgasm during sex.
- You don’t masturbate
Many women masturbate, while some do it less regularly than others. While most women are able to learn their way around their bodies and what gives them pleasure, for some, it’s a crippling source of shame and they aren’t able to overcome the fact that it is in fact not a very socially permissive thing to do for women. For men, it’s accepted as a fact that they masturbate. So you might want to masturbate but you might not know-how and might be ashamed to seek help or stimulation. In which case, you can’t really guide your partner properly as to how to please you.
- You only engage in penetrative sex
It’s now pretty much accepted that penetrative sex isn’t satisfying for a large number of women. However, in many cases, men just aren’t aware of this, because it’s what brings them the most satisfaction. Women require a lot more than just penetrative sex, so don’t consider it your fault if you don’t orgasm immediately. Oral sex is also an option that many women find very satisfying.
- There’s no foreplay
While many men don’t require much foreplay and can finish the act in about five minutes, for women it can take up to twenty to thirty minutes to get sexually excited. This can be achieved with the right mood and atmosphere, talking and teasing, touching and kissing, etc.
- You may have a disorder preventing orgasm
You may have the female orgasmic disorder, which can make it difficult to reach orgasm when you’re sexually excited. You might also have other conditions that might make penetrative sex painful for you, like vaginismus (which causes spasms in the vaginal muscles) or other vaginal conditions, an STI, issues with menstruation or pregnancy, etc. If you feel these issues are serious and are hindering your sexual pleasure, depending on the issue, you should consult your doctor or counselor.
How to fix it
In most cases, these issues are rooted in ignorance of sexual education and a lack of awareness in what brings your partner pleasure. Men tend to be unaware of how to pleasure women and think penetrative sex is the be-all and end-all of the sexual experience. There must be communication between you and your partner to ensure that he knows what you personally find pleasurable so you can achieve orgasm. If he’s unwilling to make those adjustments, consider reevaluating your relationship, because in many relationships, sex plays a central role.
However, if you are both set on resolving issues in the bedroom and you can’t handle it yourself, you might want to see a counselor or a therapist who might be able to help you work out the issues. Sex therapists are actually quite common these days and can help you get to the bottom of the problem, and also teach you certain techniques to make sex more pleasurable.
If you, as a woman, are ashamed or reluctant to talk about this issue, don’t give up. Over time, approaches to sex for women are changing and women are much more outspoken now than they were before.